Someone Please help me.

I have lost so many people in my life my dad my nan who i wasn't allowed to see my mum told me she didn't want to see me as she didn't like me anyway still lives with me years on, My granddads both of them and more recently my other nan who was  like a mum to me ,my son Jacob who died of cot death my son James who was still born the twins who i miscarried my father in law, None of this had prepared me for the most recent event of my life.



I knew deep down i was broken but i always made my kids come first and try to push everything the hurt deep down as to not effect them  did everything for them.One of the  most recent things  happened new years eve my 16 year old son wanted to stay over his girlfriends the night i said no ,It wasn't that i didn't like her i felt very uncomfortable around her and her mother my first meet with her mum was oh hi i said hi back then she proceeded to tell me how her daughter cuts herself  wasn't exactly the entrance of meeting your daughters boyfriends mum put me off but i didn't protest the relationship but i sure wasn't letting him spend the night there and she was only 15 i was thinking am i the only one who takes parental responsibility seriously plus i wasn't happy as my son was just being allowed out again for being grounded we dropped him of at collage a few weeks before and we were late rather than telling the collage im sorry im late i get a phone call telling me my son had been run over impossible i said i dropped him off there saying no he got hit by a car at the station and how there taking him to hospital i feel sick my heart is racing im thinking how they pass him onto me and he is like you know mum when i got on the train this morning.

I was so shocked and angry i said no your not going to lie and im not going to lie for you im worried sick here we all are i was so angry that the collage were treating me like i was a horrible person because he lied to them. i should have seen it then but i didnt i was stupid to think my own child wouldn't lie like this such disgusting lies.

well it was new years eve and we went shopping my usual routine get money go shopping i wish it was for the more exciting things but only for food we didn't have allot of money not working doesn't help and ive been so ill lately have recently been diagnose with Diabetes on top of asthma and arthritis i felt pretty crappy.



the day was pretty normal or so i thought i went to bed just after 12am i don't drink so i didn't get involved with the celebrations of normal new year just a cup of tea i gave everyone a kiss goodnight and went to bed.

I must have woken around 7.am new years day everyone else was asleep so i thought  this wasn't new to me as im always the first up. As i walked down the stairs i noticed my sons bedroom door open but he wasn't there nothing hmm maybe he didn't go to bed i thought fell asleep on the chair in front of his pc as that's all he had been doing allot lately sitting in front of that damn pc.

when i got to the living room nothing i started to panic now had that sick feeling in my stomach my eyes flickered around and i see a note ....my heart sank mum im staying at my girlfriends i love you please don't be mad im shaking at this point omg i thought worry crossed with anger and hurt so many emotions he has gone there all i could think of is that one and only conversation i had had with her mother and her telling me how her daughter cuts herself and the woman does nothing to help her daughter i rush upstairs into his room i see blood on the sheets i screamed to my husband and rang the police.

I ring my sons mobile and some strange woman answers telling me not to ring again and puts the phone down on me, Im thinking who the hell are you to tell me that i cant contact my own son and have the nerve to put the phone down on me what even gives her the right to even answer his phone.



Dispatch tells me to go to the address and ask to speak to my son and if they refuse to ring them back  and they will go and get him , i don't think i ever got myself dressed so fast tears were rolling down my face this woman cant even look after her own child.

 we get to the address i knock on the door no one answers i knock again and someone behind the door say go get him that same voice that put the phone down on me i thought then she said he is not coming call the police and laughed at me behind a closed door i was livid i thought if that door was open i think i would have ripped her head of how dare she who is this person i didn't even know not letting me see my own son.

the police come and knock on the door 10 mins must have passed then she come to the window not opening she said i don't believe your the police where is your id where is your car.

I thought to myself is she demented there in uniform and she is questioning who they are so eventually she lets them in they come out 20 mins later telling me he is ok and to go home im shocked i said i was told by dispatch you would get him for me.

not the first time i would be told this either from the police.So i go home im a mess crying not knowing what to do why he was refusing to see me we had been so close i was worried for his safety  days past i kept trying his phone but forgetting that that woman had turned his phone off i couldn't sleep at all worrying every second.

It was hard for us all my daughter was angry with him for what he was doing my youngest was asking where he was ,My husband who was close to my son since he was 8 years old was telling me it felt like he had lost his bast friend,I had to be strong for everyone yet how can i do that when im so confused myself now so hurt and upset so angry with a total stranger putting the phone down on me.How can i be strong for everyone when i don't understand myself.



It had been about 4 days now everything was a blur i had not been sleeping at all i felt like a robot still trying to be normal for everyone and hiding my despair i wanted answers,I turn his pc on but he had it a password on it so i couldn't access anything .I go to my pc and look on the internet of ways to get into his pc i downloaded something and put it on a disc and put it on his pc it worked maybe i can find answers now.



Ok im thinking where do i look i see pictures this disturbed me why was he taking picture of himself holding a knife hmm then i see pictures of his girlfriend with blood coming down her arm and she had carved a S into herself ok now im more worried i felt sick i call the police again and ask them to come and see this they do and tell me the picture could be art .Since when is it art to cut yourself or take photos of yourself holding a knife in your moth and hands im thinking i really didn't understand their logic here.

And why aren't they doing anything how is he in a safe environment when clearly she is allowed to cut herself i get told there going to send someone round to check on him.

After they had gone i look through the pc some more finding more pictures and then i come across MSN script everything i start to read the most recent first to try and find reason behind this and i swear i wasn't expecting this.

First he tells her many lies of from Murdering someone to knowing martial arts how he had walked 9 miles to collage i was thinking wow this is silly what's he doing why lie why base everything on a lie.

Try to impress her maybe i don't know.Then i read how she has fantasy's of killing people very disturbed and how she self harms of a regular basis and no one in her house gets her help and how she fights with her brother and how if my son doesn't go to her she will cut herself in front of her little sister so she can see how happy it makes her to watch her bleed , there's also a msn conversation with the girls mum she was saying she was drunk and how she was wet omg im thinking then she is saying and finding it funny how her 15 year old was drunk and being sick in a bag next to her and why is she in that state and why are you letting her drink and your on msn and not seeing to your daughter who is being sick right next to you .Im shocked and disscusted now im so worried i call the police and was told they will get him yet again the police don't saying he is 16 there's nothing we can do.

How is he in a safe environment im thinking there's no responsible adult there .



I read on my there over 800 pages of this kind of stuff  then i see it my son says he killed someone ...what im thinking he keeps talking to her about my son Jacob.Jacob was born 2 years before my Son he only lived for 1 month before he died of cot death my son never knew him or saw him i had pictures but i never put them up to sad for me.

He goes on he talks to me all the time ,He thinks your pretty my heart stops im crying again now then i read on trying as best as i can everything s a blur now.

I watched him die he says to her i saw him being stabbed to death by my dad he says daddy come home and me and Jakey were playing i told him not to greet daddy but he didn't listen then daddy stabbed him he is telling her ....Im just blank now how could he do this or say these things even now just writing this makes me feel sick hurt and angry he wasn't around when Jacob was alive why is he doing this..I read on now he is describing how he had murdered my ex husbands wife but this was odd he didn't even use her right name.

And why was he even talking about then my ex had left when he was 2years old we hand seen him in ohhh 8 years and for the last 8years my husband had been there for us all i couldn't have asked for a better husband and dad for my kids he was brilliant with them.

I need to do something i contact social services and was told to ring another department i do and then i was told someone will be in touch,I waited days on end and nothing i contact the police again and they gave me the run around once again we will get him but then they do nothing.

About 3- weeks had past i ring my doctor and tell him what's going on in desperation for someone anyone to help im in tears explaining to him what's going on he rings the police for me and tells them my son needs help and he wants to see him,

Again nothing no one will help me get help for him.I try and message him on facebook nothing i try and send the girls mother a message on facebook asking her to let me help him.Nothing she wasn't willing to do anything.Im thinking what's wrong with everyone i contact her friend and find out the reason the mother wont do anything was even though my son needs help by them keeping him there it stops his girlfriend from cutting herself...
And then the Accusations come in they are telling me that Jacob didn't die of cot death and i hadn't had James nor was he still born....

Oh my god im getting more upset and angry with these people every minute. So i send of Jacobs death cert and they are telling me its fake i even send a letter from the cot death organisation i had received when Jacob had died ... Im beyond angry now they are either the most stupidly idiotic people or there sick really sick getting a kick out of what had happened to me and making me re live it and saying im lying about it. and not letting me help my son.

This is hopeless im thinking why is he doing this why wont anyone help me.I rung the police and i get told my son had made accusations against me saying i slapped him on the hand on Christmas eve what im thinking first ive never hit my kids second as if you were going to hit a 16 year old on the back of the hand it was the most stupidest  thing i had ever heard seriously if i wasn't going through all this i probably would have laughed but the charges were dismissed i was told ,But the case had been refereed to someone else now the police man who was trying to help wasn't working in that department any more  shame he was nice and tried to help at least ringing my sons phone asking him to call me or the DC but nothing.

It was nearly march now and i still haven't heard anything not from social services the police anything nor from my son.Then i get a call from social services and im thinking great they can take all 800 pages and read for themselves and can see why im worried .The social working came round with the new DC in charge we went through everything and all the dc kept saying is were still investigating you for hitting your son on the back of the hand ... I said to the social working did you do checks on me with my doctor and everyone he said yes i said well have i what did they say he said nothing you hadn't done anything to your son i said hmm thinking why is the new DC accusing me when id been told it had been dismissed put me off her from the start as even weeks on that's the only thing she would say to me.

Well i gave the script to social services and told them everything  a few days later and i ring him up asking if he had read it , He sighed and said yes he said my son is a convincing liar and he needs help finally im thinking.. He told me he would talk to his supervisor and speak to my son and the collage to arrange a meeting well that didn't happen another time my hopes were dashed ,I was then told he will take the script to CAMS another false pretence then i just kept being told because he is 16 there's nothing we can do even though my son needed help.

It was my youngest sons birthday were in march now we take him bowling and buy him a game he wanted and try and make his day really good he loved it he is such a little trooper he has been through alot on medication for his bowls as there enlarged and there trying to shrink them always being bullied at school and that breaks my heart he is so loving and doesn't deserve to be bullied  the school at least were trying to sort it out but it was effecting him to the point he didn't want  to go any more always coming home saying someone had kicked him and id be on at the school.

I couldn't cope with being in the same area any more every time i went shopping or into town i would be searching for him if anyone remotely look like my son , i even ran into Salisbury after a boy who resembled him i guess im crazy now but that's ok i couldn't focus let alone sleep  i still hadn't slept since the 1st January. were in march now.

I had written letters for the collage to give to my son and for social service to give to him but heard nothing.My logic was telling me of course your not going to hear after what he said about Jacob and you to ashamed. But my other side is saying how can you do this to your family and live with yourself.And then im thinking i want to hug him and make sure he is ok and then im angry thinking how could you do this.

The police were deciding if there going to take action against him now and take everything his pc everything.This made me feel sick and i get informed i could be a witness against him and depending on what happens end up going to court against him, This is too much how can i cope with this on top of everything else alls i want is to see my son. Not in a court room.

I get a phone call they have arrested him and the DC told them he is to be released to me im nervous feeling sick shaking im going to see my son i told my husband they said there brining him home after they have questioned him.Im soo happy after months i get to see him im pacing my living room hours past they must have questioned him now im thinking they rang at 6pm its 10 now,12am come i ring them to be told the released him on bail back to them Noooooooooo why you told me he was coming here you told me that was the conditions of bail we can change our minds they said. I collapse on the floor in tears how can they do this to me take it up with the DC in the morning.Great i have to speak to the woman who kept accusing me when i had done nothing.

Yet again i didn't sleep that night i rang the next morning and was told the duty officer can change bail conditions....as if i wasn't going through enough i have the police and social services putting my hopes up and dashing them in a instant no wonder im a wreck now and have major trust issues.

I say to my husband i cant cope here any more this is killing me always searching for him no one helping me everyone crushing me and not caring how this is effecting our family with there false hopes being told lies even by people in authority.

I get a  phone call from social services telling me about this final meeting i need to attend  it was 2 weeks before my sons 17th  birthday in April it was a final meeting them fobbing me off really.And i will attend ill see my son i told my husband i will see him he looked at me and saw the hope in my eyes crossed with pain. We go to the reception and the meeting had started im so nervous where is he i check the singing in book he is here i said a smile on my face.The lady tells me we will be called in soon,She enters the room to tell them im hear and comes out all sheepish i here her talking to the other receptionist the social worker had told her off for broadcasting i was there ,About 20 mins past and the social worker comes out and says your son wont leave while your in repetition and you come into this room i look at him and he said im sorry i told him this is breaking your heart and gave him the letter you wrote.

I go into the room they shut the door im shocked frozen i see him my son my husband says to me its your chance you want to sit here or speak to him i look ay my soon through  the glass on the door i look at my husband i open the door and said Sasha  he looked at me and walked off Sasha please he carry s on walking i collapse on the floor crying i hear the grandmother telling me to leave my own son alone and saying he doesn't needs a mum. the social worker looked at me he had pity in his eyes im so sorry he is doing this to you.Im a mess now just frozen crying my husband chases after him saying how can you do this to your mum and the grandmother still there accusing us of lying about Jacob i swear if i wasn't frozen to that spot i think i would have slapped her how dare she tell me my son doesn't need his mum how dare she call me a lair about Jacob and James.

The meeting was over i had to realise that no one is going to help me. Social services are still telling me my son still says he sees Jacob and they cant do anything.I said that's it i need to get out of here  we found a swap partner a few weeks before the meeting so i decided ok we will go on the 11th of April. I was hoping false hope that maybe i would see Sasha before his birthday i had written asking him but nothing..

I told Sasha in the letter that i was moving couldn't handle it here any-more i also informed the collage to tell him my new address.
This was the hardest thing leaving him but staying was killing me i was so torn.It didn't make it easy for me being so far away but at least i wasn't a paranoid wreck going out i knew i wouldn't be searching here and i need to be strong and get on for everyone and if he did come home we would be far enough away from them.

The house needs alot of work and money the work part we can do but money no my husband was looking for jobs but wasn't getting anywhere still today he is looking to little jobs and to many out of work there's alot of competition.

Before we left my youngest school gave us a CAF as we suspect he is Autistic we go to the doctors and there going to refer him.

It had been about a month after we moved and i still hadn't heard anything from the police about what they were going to do or from my son.I look on facebook  on a different account as she had blocked mine and i see a post from the girls mother to total strangers saying poor Sasha he is in hospital he had a brain scan that's all clear but there taking his appendix out and he is going to theatre now.

What im thinking oh my god and you didn't tell me my son was in hospital what sort of person are you.I scream at my husband shaking tear rolling down my face Sasha is in hospital i said but they didn't say where,I pick up the phone and ring all the hospitals in the area first they wouldn't tell me i said im his mum then a gentleman comes on the phone he  tells me what ward he is in and puts me through i ask how is he the nurse tells me very sleepy ok is it ok to come and see him i said yes she said so back we go its a 220mil round trip to the hospital .I hope he is ok i kept saying to myself on the drive down there we arrive and my husband parks the car i run in the hospital searching for the ward climbing countless stairs and as i enter the ward the nurse says hello i said im here to see Sasha is he ok? where is he? I told him you were coming she said and he doesn't want to see you....Im crying again now why thats itself was a stupid question i knew why what he had said what he had done.

But that wasn't important to me i just wanted to see him to hold him to tell him i loved him ..I was told to leave im shaking now crying i feel so sick so tired why thats all i could think off as we where getting into the car to leave the grandmother pulled up and just looked at me i stared at her my blood boiling get into the car my husband said im still staring at this woman. But i get in still staring at her in her car.

Im so angry why didn't they have any decency to tell me my son was in hospital i have to log on to a different account to find out how my own son was.Disgusting i thought they have no decency or no right from wrong.I didn't say much on the way home to shocked and distraught when i got back my daughter asked how it went i told her she just shook her head.

Its hard to cope with i would just like something good to happen to us so much sadness and heartbreak for years now.

Well were in June now in still not sleeping properly i get 3 hours now if im lucky im still hoping to see my son there's nothing i want more..we have a date for my youngest to see a specialist that's late July.The police matter is over now im just pleased for him.My eldest is going to see her boyfriend in july she won a competition and she is going away with him im happy for her and really want her to get on and stop worrying about me.

I need a holiday just a few days to escape some happy memories for my youngest would be nice but i cant afford it.
What does the future hold i dont know i can only hope ,why am i writing this for the world to see well its my only form of release i worry my husband has had enough of me speaking about my son Sasha and i have nothing else no one to talk to no one who will listen it does effect me still i hide now when i cry so no one can see and that's quiet often i wish i had answers but i don't i really just want to see my son it hurts so much worrying about him not a minute goes by and im always thinking if he is ok hoping he will contact me. Please don't judge me to harshly ,Maybe one day ill be happy again but for now i try for my family s sake as best as i can and try not to show them how im really feeling.

Thank you for reading and ill update as soon as i hear anything.